Coming Full Circle

So, here I am. It has been a long while, and not long for the sake of merely the time. It has been long because of the occurrences in my life. In short detail, I find myself reflecting back on the happenings of the past four months, only to realize that my life has, in some short semblance, come full circle.

Thrust out into the world by a combination of my own choices, I began on this quest of mine to get my degree at RIT. I wanted to get out on my own. To stand on my own two feet. Shortly after, I fell in love, and life became meaningful beyond the monotony of school. Better yet, that love was returned. And yet, after five years of love and happiness, at the moment of momentous changes in both our lives, I find myself alone again. Alienated by my want for her happiness and my own regrets from not only the one I hold most dear, but my best friend in the world.

How strange it is that the feeling I have now would be the same feeling I had when I came to this place initially. In a new apartment of my own, with roommates who are better friends that I could ever hope to be to them, I find myself feeling alone once more, on my own, and standing on a razor's edge. It was not the life I had foreseen four months ago, nor the life I had dreamed of.

I came with a dream to this place. To get my degree, to get an amazing job in the field I loved, and to go on my way. How much those dreams change when you fall in love. How love becomes part of your dreams and how you are willing to change your dreams for love. But perhaps it was not really the dream that changed, but more so myself. I became humbler, and was working on becoming more so. I became more laid back, and was equally working on becoming more so. I was starting to let go of my inhibitions, for the first time in my life since I was a small child. And with that, I changed to value the people in my life higher than I ever had.

And yet, when trouble came, I myself became unsure. And with the unsteady ground of half truths and jealousy, I made my own series of mistakes. My way of life, my new found hopes and dreams, had become threatened. And for the first time in my life, I acted out of desperation. My loss of inhibitions, my opening up to the world, made me let go. And in my own series of follies and of the person I caring for most becoming distant, I lost that which I had most dear. I lost the dreams I had been building, the dreams I had wanted to make real.

What is left, is something different. Thrust out of the world this time by my own folly and a lost love's whims, I find myself once more in the position I did five years ago. What kind of person am I? What creature am I to be so liked and yet so cruel and repulsive?

I am still at loss, four months afterward. I still have no clear vision, no clear dream. My mind is a haze of the dreams I want and the things I must do to survive.

Forgive my scruples and my rambling. It has been a very long time for me. It feels as if ages have past, and are still passing. Every day seems like a week to me. It's just enough to make it through, come home, and try to enjoy myself, or fall asleep from my fatigue and numbness. Losing a great love is akin to a death. I only hope that, like the phoenix, I can rise from it, and not become a shambling visage of my old self.

End of Quarter Lament

So, I haven't been able to get Kat to the Carousel Mall yet. In fact, between her programming bouts, depression, and other crap in life, we haven't gotten to do much at all. Aside, we've both been so busy, that it has been difficult to get much done. I'm just hoping that, in another week or so, her migraines will calm down a little. With the stress lessening with the end of the quarter, hopefully this will be so.

The rest of the quarter has flown by. Designing and building a card game for game design class has preoccupied the majority of my classwork time. In fact, between me and the other people, we typically spend anywhere from 30 - 50 hours a week on the game. For a single class, that is a lot of work. We've tested the game dozens of times, reworked and tweaked the mechanics an equal number, and are still smoothing out the wrinkles. We're going to be printing the final alpha release cards soon, so hopefully those turn out nice.

I have an interview with Microsoft this week, on the 16th. Hopefully it will be a good interview. However, the fact that I told them I can't start till the end of next year could be a put off for them. But, seeing as they know my availability, maybe it won't be so bad. Only time will tell (perhaps Dylan has something to do with this, who knows).

Well, that sums up everything important for the past few weeks. Oh, have started playing D&D 4th edition with some of the game design guys and Kat. It has been pretty fun thus far. Now, if only I can get Kat to come to another session. That'd make my week, right there.

First and Second Week Back

So, the first and second week haven't necessarily been the best weeks of my life, but they have been interesting. First and foremost, they've given me some motivation to do some things I've never done before. Secondly, they've forced me to change my perspective a little, which is for better or for worse, we'll see.

So, last week was annoying with classes. A midterm on the first day back was not what I was expecting, but it happens. I knew it would be the first week back, but not the first day, which caught me unprepared. Secondly, the game design activities have been giving me trouble, mainly because of preoccupations with other things.

Of interesting note, I finally was able to get myself to go to the gym on Monday of this week. It was nice, going by myself. It's one of the first things in a long while I've really done by myself (save playing games... but I haven't even done that for a while *gasp*). Anyhow, it was good, but now my left arm is really screwed up. I pushed it a little too hard, which was not the best idea. Anyhow, it is appearing to feel a bit better, so maybe it won't end up being that bad.

So, depending on our schedules, I am planning on taking Kat skating either this weekend or next weekend. I was planning on making it a big adventure, as we'd be going to the Carousel Center in Syracuse. From there, we could wander and skate all day (well, most of it). I'd then have us leave just in time to make the last 2 or 3 wine tasting sessions at Casa Larga in Fairport, which would be fun. From there, we could have dinner, etc. The only problem with all of this: our schedules, work, and time. Because we both have several projects to work on, etc, this could be difficult to pull off. But, we'll see. I am optimistic.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully this weekend will be fun. If we can't squeeze out the big adventure, maybe I can get us to go see a movie or get one of our friends to come over and play some games for the day. Oi, planning things or trying to find fun things to do is hard!

Going Home for Break

So, going home has proved to be more difficult than I imagined (yet again). I'm stuck in Rochester for the moment, without a way of getting out, until Tuesday. I've been emailing, calling, and complaining to Continental since yesterday, as the lack of seats seems to be incorrect (for lack of better words). At first, they wanted me to take a ticket for Thursday or Friday, which was unacceptable. Next, they tried to get me to leave on Wednesday (I took that ticket, but then still kept complaining, because I could see open seats on flights through their site). So, I finally got a ticket for Tuesday. I'm still working at trying to get to leave today, but that may be difficult. So, I'm trying... We'll just see how it goes.

Aside, everything has been... well, it's been. Kat is home with her parents for Chirstmas (though, not completely liking it... she is upset that they're not going to be able to go to her aunt's for Christmas and that she won't get to see her grandparents...). However, she's hanging in there.

So, for now, I'm still working on working. Lots of academics to still be done. Trying to get all of my reading and over the break homework done now, rather than later. Etc etc.

Aside, I've been trying to revamp my physical activity schedule. My last one didn't work nearly as well as I hoped, mainly due to personal laziness (or, more so need to retreat away from people after working with them all day) and tons of course work. The tons of course work hasn't gone away, but I have more time than I did during the previous quarter. Hence, we'll see how this goes as well.

Masters, Masters, Masters...

So, I am on my second quarter of doing my Masters in Game Development and Design... And all I can say is writing... Yep, lots and lots of writing. To be honest, I really like writing. I write short stories, designs, and rules for random thoughts all of the time. However, last quarter, I wrote over 300 pages just for my two classes, not including senior project. For the final project in Interactive Narrative, my partner and I wrote a 48 page design document, 86 page dialogue script, and 22 page treatment, none of which could be said are fully complete. Yeah, lots of work...

Right now, I'm using my free time to further my engine and work on spare ideas. These include short story writing and the like.

Website Woes

So, someone had to tell me my website was broken in IE 8 and Opera a few days ago. Actually, it's good that they did tell me. Now I can only think of how many possible interviews and the like I may never get because of a broken website. Guess that is what happens when you do not thoroughly test a web product on all browsers and use third party php scripts.

Well, that is finished. I am thinking of adding a two new sections to my portfolio: 1) A writing section for writing samples and the like and 2) a game design section with examples of mods and the like I've made for Neverwinter Nights and similar games.

Well, that's really all to be honest. Hopefully this works out!

Personal Writing and Meetings

So, have I ever mentioned that I really, REALLY, do not like bars? I really don't like the atmosphere, the food, the drinks, etc. I would much rather prefer to go out elsewhere, but that seems to be another topic for discussion. Anyhow, what inspired this sudden rant? Well, I have a group meeting today at some point in time at a local bar to discuss work for the project we're working on. Now, I may not be too keen on the amount of work that gets done in a bar setting, but I am pretty sure that the amount of work that will get done will amount to something between 0 and 1, on a 100 point scale of how productive this meeting could be.

So, the obvious question to this is: So, why don't you just not go? I mean, you don't have to, right?

Well, that depends. As far as group dynamics and team building are considered, some of these types of meetings are great for bonding a team together better. Aside, they could possibly be productive, even though the chances are slim. Furthermore, when you're someone who tries to keep everyone on track, managing different aspects of the project, it's usually a bad idea to not be where your comrades in arms are.

Now, aside from my previous rant, there is also the second and less important issue: I have no money! None! No money whatsoever. So, as this can be seen, I am not going to get anything out of this trip aside maybe some group bonding time, but even that is doubtful.

So, now with that topic aside, we can talk about better things.

I have begun to work on my story series again (or series of short stories to be a better example). I have currently finished the first 2 of what will be close to a 20 story work, at least for what would be the first overarching story in the series. While I have more written on it (another 5 short stories I have worked on before), the majority of those will be redone as I work slowly onwards, re-writing them to suit my new style. I may start publishing them at some point to my website, though I will probably be keeping them close and under my eyes only until I have something worth publishing. That may include publishing them in some way that reduces the amount of negative capability in the whole series (meaning I may just publish the whole thing at once, lol).

Anyhow, we'll see how all of this goes.