Coming Full Circle

So, here I am. It has been a long while, and not long for the sake of merely the time. It has been long because of the occurrences in my life. In short detail, I find myself reflecting back on the happenings of the past four months, only to realize that my life has, in some short semblance, come full circle.

Thrust out into the world by a combination of my own choices, I began on this quest of mine to get my degree at RIT. I wanted to get out on my own. To stand on my own two feet. Shortly after, I fell in love, and life became meaningful beyond the monotony of school. Better yet, that love was returned. And yet, after five years of love and happiness, at the moment of momentous changes in both our lives, I find myself alone again. Alienated by my want for her happiness and my own regrets from not only the one I hold most dear, but my best friend in the world.

How strange it is that the feeling I have now would be the same feeling I had when I came to this place initially. In a new apartment of my own, with roommates who are better friends that I could ever hope to be to them, I find myself feeling alone once more, on my own, and standing on a razor's edge. It was not the life I had foreseen four months ago, nor the life I had dreamed of.

I came with a dream to this place. To get my degree, to get an amazing job in the field I loved, and to go on my way. How much those dreams change when you fall in love. How love becomes part of your dreams and how you are willing to change your dreams for love. But perhaps it was not really the dream that changed, but more so myself. I became humbler, and was working on becoming more so. I became more laid back, and was equally working on becoming more so. I was starting to let go of my inhibitions, for the first time in my life since I was a small child. And with that, I changed to value the people in my life higher than I ever had.

And yet, when trouble came, I myself became unsure. And with the unsteady ground of half truths and jealousy, I made my own series of mistakes. My way of life, my new found hopes and dreams, had become threatened. And for the first time in my life, I acted out of desperation. My loss of inhibitions, my opening up to the world, made me let go. And in my own series of follies and of the person I caring for most becoming distant, I lost that which I had most dear. I lost the dreams I had been building, the dreams I had wanted to make real.

What is left, is something different. Thrust out of the world this time by my own folly and a lost love's whims, I find myself once more in the position I did five years ago. What kind of person am I? What creature am I to be so liked and yet so cruel and repulsive?

I am still at loss, four months afterward. I still have no clear vision, no clear dream. My mind is a haze of the dreams I want and the things I must do to survive.

Forgive my scruples and my rambling. It has been a very long time for me. It feels as if ages have past, and are still passing. Every day seems like a week to me. It's just enough to make it through, come home, and try to enjoy myself, or fall asleep from my fatigue and numbness. Losing a great love is akin to a death. I only hope that, like the phoenix, I can rise from it, and not become a shambling visage of my old self.

End of Quarter Lament

So, I haven't been able to get Kat to the Carousel Mall yet. In fact, between her programming bouts, depression, and other crap in life, we haven't gotten to do much at all. Aside, we've both been so busy, that it has been difficult to get much done. I'm just hoping that, in another week or so, her migraines will calm down a little. With the stress lessening with the end of the quarter, hopefully this will be so.

The rest of the quarter has flown by. Designing and building a card game for game design class has preoccupied the majority of my classwork time. In fact, between me and the other people, we typically spend anywhere from 30 - 50 hours a week on the game. For a single class, that is a lot of work. We've tested the game dozens of times, reworked and tweaked the mechanics an equal number, and are still smoothing out the wrinkles. We're going to be printing the final alpha release cards soon, so hopefully those turn out nice.

I have an interview with Microsoft this week, on the 16th. Hopefully it will be a good interview. However, the fact that I told them I can't start till the end of next year could be a put off for them. But, seeing as they know my availability, maybe it won't be so bad. Only time will tell (perhaps Dylan has something to do with this, who knows).

Well, that sums up everything important for the past few weeks. Oh, have started playing D&D 4th edition with some of the game design guys and Kat. It has been pretty fun thus far. Now, if only I can get Kat to come to another session. That'd make my week, right there.

First and Second Week Back

So, the first and second week haven't necessarily been the best weeks of my life, but they have been interesting. First and foremost, they've given me some motivation to do some things I've never done before. Secondly, they've forced me to change my perspective a little, which is for better or for worse, we'll see.

So, last week was annoying with classes. A midterm on the first day back was not what I was expecting, but it happens. I knew it would be the first week back, but not the first day, which caught me unprepared. Secondly, the game design activities have been giving me trouble, mainly because of preoccupations with other things.

Of interesting note, I finally was able to get myself to go to the gym on Monday of this week. It was nice, going by myself. It's one of the first things in a long while I've really done by myself (save playing games... but I haven't even done that for a while *gasp*). Anyhow, it was good, but now my left arm is really screwed up. I pushed it a little too hard, which was not the best idea. Anyhow, it is appearing to feel a bit better, so maybe it won't end up being that bad.

So, depending on our schedules, I am planning on taking Kat skating either this weekend or next weekend. I was planning on making it a big adventure, as we'd be going to the Carousel Center in Syracuse. From there, we could wander and skate all day (well, most of it). I'd then have us leave just in time to make the last 2 or 3 wine tasting sessions at Casa Larga in Fairport, which would be fun. From there, we could have dinner, etc. The only problem with all of this: our schedules, work, and time. Because we both have several projects to work on, etc, this could be difficult to pull off. But, we'll see. I am optimistic.

Well, that is all for now. Hopefully this weekend will be fun. If we can't squeeze out the big adventure, maybe I can get us to go see a movie or get one of our friends to come over and play some games for the day. Oi, planning things or trying to find fun things to do is hard!