Coming Full Circle

So, here I am. It has been a long while, and not long for the sake of merely the time. It has been long because of the occurrences in my life. In short detail, I find myself reflecting back on the happenings of the past four months, only to realize that my life has, in some short semblance, come full circle.

Thrust out into the world by a combination of my own choices, I began on this quest of mine to get my degree at RIT. I wanted to get out on my own. To stand on my own two feet. Shortly after, I fell in love, and life became meaningful beyond the monotony of school. Better yet, that love was returned. And yet, after five years of love and happiness, at the moment of momentous changes in both our lives, I find myself alone again. Alienated by my want for her happiness and my own regrets from not only the one I hold most dear, but my best friend in the world.

How strange it is that the feeling I have now would be the same feeling I had when I came to this place initially. In a new apartment of my own, with roommates who are better friends that I could ever hope to be to them, I find myself feeling alone once more, on my own, and standing on a razor's edge. It was not the life I had foreseen four months ago, nor the life I had dreamed of.

I came with a dream to this place. To get my degree, to get an amazing job in the field I loved, and to go on my way. How much those dreams change when you fall in love. How love becomes part of your dreams and how you are willing to change your dreams for love. But perhaps it was not really the dream that changed, but more so myself. I became humbler, and was working on becoming more so. I became more laid back, and was equally working on becoming more so. I was starting to let go of my inhibitions, for the first time in my life since I was a small child. And with that, I changed to value the people in my life higher than I ever had.

And yet, when trouble came, I myself became unsure. And with the unsteady ground of half truths and jealousy, I made my own series of mistakes. My way of life, my new found hopes and dreams, had become threatened. And for the first time in my life, I acted out of desperation. My loss of inhibitions, my opening up to the world, made me let go. And in my own series of follies and of the person I caring for most becoming distant, I lost that which I had most dear. I lost the dreams I had been building, the dreams I had wanted to make real.

What is left, is something different. Thrust out of the world this time by my own folly and a lost love's whims, I find myself once more in the position I did five years ago. What kind of person am I? What creature am I to be so liked and yet so cruel and repulsive?

I am still at loss, four months afterward. I still have no clear vision, no clear dream. My mind is a haze of the dreams I want and the things I must do to survive.

Forgive my scruples and my rambling. It has been a very long time for me. It feels as if ages have past, and are still passing. Every day seems like a week to me. It's just enough to make it through, come home, and try to enjoy myself, or fall asleep from my fatigue and numbness. Losing a great love is akin to a death. I only hope that, like the phoenix, I can rise from it, and not become a shambling visage of my old self.